Mental health confessions are 'brat'

OPINION - When I first listened to Brat, an album by singer Charli xcx, I wasn't expecting to connect with it so deeply.

Hearing a mega pop icon such as Charli confess that she feels stupid, insignificant and anxious in between partying alongside the internet's It Girls, felt surprising.

I thought only I felt this way.

Of course, this is incredibly naïve of me. I fully comprehend that everyone, even famous people, struggle too, but it wasn't necessarily that Charli was sharing her feelings, it was the thought that I'd never stop feeling this way. Charli is 32 years old; I just turned 23. Does this ever end?

In the grand scheme of things, 23 is so young. Believe me, I am no stranger to hearing about how my life is just beginning.

This isn't false; life is indeed long. There is more to experience and figure out, and agonising over it now won't change anything. But I literally cannot connect with the rational.

I was diagnosed with a generalised anxiety disorder and a social anxiety disorder in 2022; anxiety is all about the irrational.

I've always been anxious, since I was a child. I didn't realise it; I thought this was just the way I (uncomfortably) am - shy, anxious, terrified of saying the wrong thing or being perceived as "imperfect".

This might be too much information, but I have a deep fear of embarrassment - a symptom of the anxiety disorders - which genuinely keeps me up at night.

When I was in school, I'd be sick to my stomach with worry that my teacher would ask me a question or that my classmates all secretly hate me.

I speak and think afterwards that I should've shut up instead (coincidentally, Charli literally has a song called I might say something stupid).

I second-guess sharing the things I enjoy, in case others think I'm lame.

I struggle to ask for help when I'm having a tough time because I would hate to be a burden and inconvenience anyone with my issues.

I go out with people, but worry that I'm talking too much, too little, or that I laughed weirdly or that my clothes are terrible and my face and body are worse.

I hate the thought of being looked at for too long and I hate it even more knowing that I might appear as a thought in someone else's mind.

In my mind, everything I have ever said and done in my 23 years on this earth have been incredibly shameful and everyone is laughing at me, all these years later.

Everything is embarrassing, no matter how many times I hear how cool and funny and enjoyable I am to be around.

On Brat is a song called Sympathy is a knife.

A blend of jarring bass sounds, soaring vocals and insecurities, Charli suggests that feigned sympathy from others when she shares these feelings cuts her like a knife.

Though the "sympathy" is meant to "save" her ego, it actually makes it difficult for her to understand whether someone is being real with her, or if they are behaving artificially in order to save their image. As a result, she is "spiralling", as the lyrics explain.

Charli sings, "'Cause I couldn't even be her if I tried/I'm opposite, I'm on the other side" - I'm constantly comparing myself to others, especially if we're close in age.

"I feel all these feelings I can't control, oh no! All this sympathy is just a knife!" Charli screams as the song ends.

It makes no sense to me why I would have these struggles with my mental health when I had a good childhood. I am told everyday that I am loved and my friends consistently provide me with a soulmate-level friendship.

Charli also asks God to stop these feelings; I do this too. Now and again, I wonder why God would make me this way. Was there a mistake in the creation process somewhere?

Receiving the anxiety diagnosis was a confirmation of my worst fear, that there is in fact something wrong with me.

When this thought arises, my mother reminds me that God makes no mistakes. My father regularly asks how I'm doing, knowing I struggle to share what's bothering me. My sister listens to all my anxious thoughts and never makes me feel silly for having them. I've been to therapy and I'm actively trying to combat these irrational thoughts.

Brat has an exterior theme of unashamed courage but delves into mental health, generational trauma, grief, confidence and self-doubt.

The internet coined the term "brat" in relation to the pop culture momentum Charli ignited with the release of her album. However, "brat" is not a trend as much as it is a state of mind, an attitude.

Brat invites people to embrace their rawest, most authentic selves.

Maybe confessing my deepest insecurities in a newspaper and accepting my diagnosis is me practising "brat".