OPINION - The 9th December. The anniversary of the day that my life did an abrupt turn, taking me in a totally different direction to the one I had planned.
One minute this understudy was standing on the State Theatre’s stage and then… down, down, down the unguarded lift shaft I fell, to land on the concrete 18 metres below. Instead of finishing my performance to applause as I had anticipated, I was rushed off to hospital on a ventilator.
My life as an actor came to an abrupt end.
The 9th December occurs year after year. Instead of remembering it with a feeling of dread, I have chosen to celebrate it. For the first time in 35 years I celebrate it without Mums being here.
Mums who took my hand and guided me through some of the dark and grimmest passages of my life, has gone on to a far better place. I know that she and Dad are looking down and smiling with me today.
Initially I was broken in so many ways: physically, emotionally and spiritually. But gradually the healing began. This 63-year-old now looks back and remembers the 28-year-old babe in arms I was. And I marvel at my healing.
There is a 15th century Japanese practice called Kintsugi meaning to join with gold. Broken ceramic items were often repaired using rivulets of gold. This art of Kintsugi is a reminder to stay optimistic when things fall apart and to celebrate the flaws and missteps of life.
Kintsugi has been used in my healing. It is through loss that Kintsugi has stepped in and I have been blessed in ways that were totally unexpected. I now have streaks of gold that have healed my broken parts. The streaks of gold didn’t magically appear though. I had to dig deep within myself to discover them.
Having only 40% eyesight, these streaks of gold now shimmer in things I see. What I am able to observe is now incredibly precious to me. Before my fall, I didn’t notice things and their individual beauty with the depth I do now. I have streaks of gold hovering in my eyesight. And never being one to keep quiet about my feelings, I will say to whoever is with me: “Look at that incredible tree stump. It reminds me of an eagle about to fly!”
My streaks of gold are often contagious and my companion will look at the tree stump that she has passed every day with new ‘gold streaked eyes’. “You’re right, I’ve never seen the eagle before. It looks as if it’s about to take flight!”
And now every time she drives past that tree stump, she sees…an eagle!
I remember living for 18 years without sound. Not being able to hear voices, music, birds, children made me feel as if I was disappearing. Kintsugi found it difficult playing a part in this shadowed existence of mine.
When I received my Cochlear Implants, that was when the Kintsugi came into it’s own. My gold streaked hearing rejoices in Spotify on my iPhone. I often just lie on my bed listening to music.
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I was once out of work as an actor and Pieter Toerien kindly gave me a job as a dresser on Jerry’s Girls. What joy Jerry Herman’s music evokes. And Kintsugi has made sure that I am able to sing along to Jerry’s Girls once more. The one thing that Kintsugi has not been able to heal is my out of tune singing!
Appreciating the world and loving life has caused the gold to spread over the cracked, debilitated person I was. Every morning I ‘shimmer with gold’ as I walk just under two kilometres with friends and a mass of rejoicing dogs in the Botanical Gardens.
I think of the Specialist who told my parents to institutionalise me. I would never be able to do anything other than lie on my back staring blankly up at the ceiling.
I look at the incredible George mountains that seem to beckon me forward. I want to do a grande jeté sprinkling out a haze of incandescent gold in my wake. Instead I simply stand in the glorious Spring sunshine, take in a breath of the freshly mown grass and give thanks.
Thank you, my Lord, for alchemising the shimmering gold that burns like a fire within me!
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of Group Editors and its publications.
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